October 5, 2008

Feeling Un-Smart

The other day I caught a movie near the downtown core, and as I walked past my workplace on my way home, I couldn't help but feel like a stranger in a foreign land. And yet, the downtown core had been my work home for the past 3 or so years.

I've been on mat-leave for about 2 months, and yet my former life as a Java developer/team lead seems like a dream. I haven't looked at any code in weeks, and I feel completely out of touch with the world of IT now that I'm fully-immersed in Mommyland. I've managed to retain work e-mail access while I'm on mat-leave, and I make it a point of checking my e-mails at the end of each workday to stay in the loop so that I'm not in for a shock when I return to work. I even replied to an e-mail the other day (I couldn't resist). That being said, I'm still an outsider. My co-workers are at work doing their thing every day, and I'm at home taking care of PK. There's nothing wrong with that. I think it's important for me to devote my attention to PK. She needs me. Still, I do feel guilty that I haven't done any coding in a long time. I used to be such an über-geek. I'd code for fun, sometimes staying up until all hours on Friday and Saturday nights working on little side-projects.

A few weeks ago, my dad, a fellow über-geek (even more of an über-geek than I am) asked me what I'm doing to further myself. What could I say? My days are spent taking care of PK. I hardly have any time to myself except when I work out or when I pump milk late at night. I suppose I could use one of these time slots to geek out, but to be perfectly honest, after a long day of taking care of PK, I really need to do something completely mindless. Of course, part of me wonders if I'm just making up excuses. I MAKE time to work out. Can't I just make time to geek out? After all, it's for my own good. It would make re-entering the workplace seem like less of a shock. And yet, I can't bring myself to do that, so I sit here feeling guilty and un-smart. Bleh. (BTW, I know that un-smart is probably not a word, but it sounds nicer than saying dumb. :P) The only thing keeping me from feeling less un-smart is that I've been keeping up with current events by watching TONS of CBC news. I knew that TV was good for something!

1 comment:

Fawn said...

Oooh, that comment from your dad is such a "man" thing to say. *rolls eyes*

You'll get more time to yourself in coming months, not to worry. And don't start worrying about going back to work now -- there'll be lots of time to ease back in later.

The last thing you need is more pressure about things you *should* be doing. You won't become un-smarter by doing the mom thing for a while. :)