November 1, 2008

Guilty

I've been feeling pretty guilty about a number of things these days. I guess I sometimes don't feel like I'm a good enough parent to PK. Here are some of my guilty feelings:

1. Breast-feeding
Breast-feeding is almost non-existent these days. The last time I breast-fed PK was two days ago, and I have a feeling that that may have been the last of it. Most of the time, she's so offended when I offer her the breast that she started crying even harder than she was before. Fortunately, I still do have some milk left, so I'm pumping a few times a day to make sure that she gets her fill of breast-milk. Unfortunately, the breast-milk now supplements the formula - not the other way around. The other sucky thing is that the pump is really doing a number on my nipples. Today after pumping, I noticed that one of my nipples was all bloody.

The other thing that gets me about not being able to breast-feed is that I feel like a total outsider at my weekly mommy group gatherings. Everyone else is breast-feeding so easily, and I'm one of the few there having to give PK a bottle. And they do it so subtly. Most of the time, it just looks like they're holding their babies close - you can't even tell that they're feeding. When I breast-fed in public, I'd whip out my little breast-feeding cover, which was awkward at best. There are a couple of other ladies in the group who bottle-feed, but their reasons for bottle-feeding seem more "legitimate" compared to mine. I still feel like such a failure for not having been able to provide PK with enough milk. The other thing that bugs me is that when I breast-fed, it felt like PK and I had a special connection. Now I'm just another person who feeds her. What makes me special to her?

The funny thing is that the grass is always greener on the other side. Moms in my mommy and baby group often complain that their babies won't take the bottle, which means that if they want to go out at night, they need to cart their kid around.

2. Going Out
I've got a pretty packed social life these days. I've got the mom and baby group, and I try to catch a movie once a week, and I've got story time at the library. Sometimes I feel like it's unfair to PK to be going out so much. When I'm out she spends most of the time sleeping and I don't change her diaper for a very long time, and my formula supply is limited. Though I do try to bring a ton of formula with me, I just never know how PK's appetite will be. Even when I'm at the mommy group, I am able to feed her and change her more regularly, but I don't exactly give her the type of attention that she'd get at home.

3. Playtime
I really enjoy playing with PK, but I daresay that my attention span isn't the greatest. I'm sure I have a mild form of ADD. When I play with her, I sometimes find myself checking Facebook on my BlackBerry, sending out e-mails, and sending out IMs. When I feed her, I sometimes sing to her and read her stories, but more often than not, I turn on the TV and watch CBC News or a movie. I feel horrible that I do this, and I feel like the world's worst parent. Sometimes I wonder if PK just tolerates me. In fact, I feel more like "annoying lady who looks after PK until daddy gets home" than her mom.

4. Work
I'm the first to admit that raising a child is an important job, yet I feel like a useless member of society for not working. I guess I just feel bad because I'm not making any money and the hubby is bringing in all the dough. I feel so 1950s.

These are all the wonderful things running through my head at this moment. I know that this post is a pool of negativity and I apologize for the bad chi. I just really needed to vent. Feel free to want to smack me after reading this post. If I were reading it, I'd want to smack me too.

No comments: