February 27, 2009

The Totally Blah Post

Part of me feels bad for writing this post, because it is a whining post. PK is a happy and healthy little baby. The hubby is a wonderful dad who splits everything 50/50 and is a total doting husband. And yet, on some days, I feel like my life sucks. I get into this horrible rut where I'm just absolutely horrid to be around. I snap at the hubby - the nicer his is, the snappier I get. I also end up feeling absolutely overwhelmed by having to care for PK.

So why do I feel this way? I guess some days, I just find it difficult to be a mom. My mom comes by two times a week to help out, but it's still a lot of work, and she's out the door by 3pm for her long commute home. There are days when I just can't wait until 5:30pm when I get the call from the hubby saying that he's heading home. That's when I finally get my break from childcare and can take some time to myself. He's more than happy to take PK for an hour while I do whatever, and I'm grateful for that, but I still find myself getting annoyed with him.

The return to work is looming, and the daycare situation in Toronto is total crap. We actually got pulled off of 2 daycare waiting lists because we didn't check in with them in the last year. I swear that there's this entire daycare rulebook that we're just not aware of. I feel a bit annoyed with my career. This June will mark 8 years since my university graduation, and I don't like where I am career-wise. I feel like it's one step forward and two steps backward. I made a lateral move to my current job almost 2 years ago and took a paycut, but with a promise for lots of room to grow and great benefits. I had a great thing going before PK was born, but then I went on mat-leave. Momentum changed. I've changed. Where will I fit into the workforce as a working mom? This unknown is just stressing me out.

Also, I was sick a couple of weeks ago, which meant that we ended up missing our regular mom and baby activities out of respect for the other moms and babies. This meant that we missed music class and the mommy group meeting. I hadn't been to a mommy group meeting for about a month, and I guess it was taking its toll on me. While all of these activities are good for PK, they are also good for me because they give me a chance to connect with other momms and to socialize with other adults. While PK is oodles of fun, it does get tiring to just talk to a baby all day.

I guess the real zinger of this whole being a mom thing was the way that my relationship with the hubby has changed. When we got married, it was this crazy passionate love. I still love the hubby. He's still my best friend. He's still the only person in the world who gets me. And yet, things are so different now. We're like zombies trying to get through life and trying to raise a baby at the same time. Before PK was born, we did everything together. Now, we have to split off sometimes, in the interest of time. For example, I've stayed home with PK a couple of times while he went out grocery shopping.

On the social front, I've gone out a couple of times with my sis while the hubby looked after PK, but I've always felt guilty. After all, I was out and he was home with PK. I never used to go out at night without him. Sure, we've gone out a couple of times in the evening thanks to grandparent babysitting services, but it's different from before. Our conversations were centered around PK. How's she doing? Isn't she cute? Look at what she learned this week. When PK spent her first night away from home on Valentine's day, that was the first time where we actually got some genuine couple alone-time where PK was a minor part of our evening.

This week has been a little less of a bummer week, as I finally got back into my mom and baby activities. I may have also found a light at the end of the tunnel as far as the whole daycare thing is concerned (stay tuned on that). I have no idea what awaits me at work. It still scares the crap out of me.

I know that this is a difficult transition time - going from 2 to 3 is no small feat, especially when the extra body is totally dependent on you for everything. I also know that there are people out there who have it way worse than me, so I should be more grateful.


Anonymous said...

Don't feel bad for feeling bad sometimes. :) Although these days I think, "Wow, how easy would it be to have just ONE?" (LOL) it wasn't always easy when there WAS just one. I remember several months when Jade stopped sleeping through the night and I thought I was seriously losing it with the sleep deprivation.

I've been in a funk over my career lately, too, and part of it is legitimate, and part of it is still, I think, some kind of hormonal adjustment. PK is only 6 months old -- I think it's Dr. Sears that says pregnancy is 9 months in the womb, and 9 months outside the womb!

I called a friend yesterday to thank her for arranging for meals to be dropped off for us twice a week and she gave me what basically amounted to a pep talk! It wasn't what I was expecting, but it sure boosted me up. When I thanked her for that, she also said that for the first three months of her second daughter's life, she needed a pep talk everyday from wherever she could get it.

Sometimes it's good to take the perspective that others have it worse. I know other families who have lost children, or who have children with disabilities more severe than Jade's. (Not to minimize her epilepsy -- most people don't realize how serious it IS!) But that doesn't make life any easier than it feels at the moment. There are times when my patience runs out with Jade; I KNOW it doesn't help the situation to lose my patience, but it IS finite.

(Does any of this make sense? Sorry to blather on for so long. The only other thing I'll say is... it gets easier!)

Mr. Shiny and New said...

I second Fawn's comment: don't be too hard on yourself. Raising a kid is a big adjustment and it always involves compromise; the nature of compromise is that there's always something that isn't as good as you want it. And don't forget that everything changes constantly. My daughter is 11 months old and I barely remember what she was like 5 months ago, she changes so fast. In all too short a time she'll be more independent but that will have its drawbacks too.

And I totally agree about the daycare situation. It's so expensive and it's so hard to get on a list. For the daycares we've signed up for we're finding ourselves FURTHER down the list than when we started. Luckily Kids & Co. have guaranteed spots and there is one near us. It isn't our first choice but by prepaying we were able to reserve a spot for us.

IndyComp0T1 said...

Thanks for the encouraging words, guys. It does get easier with time, but there sure are days when life throws you a curveball. I'm sure we can call relate.