Part of me feels bad for writing this post, because it is a whining post. PK is a happy and healthy little baby. The hubby is a wonderful dad who splits everything 50/50 and is a total doting husband. And yet, on some days, I feel like my life sucks. I get into this horrible rut where I'm just absolutely horrid to be around. I snap at the hubby - the nicer his is, the snappier I get. I also end up feeling absolutely overwhelmed by having to care for PK.
So why do I feel this way? I guess some days, I just find it difficult to be a mom. My mom comes by two times a week to help out, but it's still a lot of work, and she's out the door by 3pm for her long commute home. There are days when I just can't wait until 5:30pm when I get the call from the hubby saying that he's heading home. That's when I finally get my break from childcare and can take some time to myself. He's more than happy to take PK for an hour while I do whatever, and I'm grateful for that, but I still find myself getting annoyed with him.
The return to work is looming, and the daycare situation in Toronto is total crap. We actually got pulled off of 2 daycare waiting lists because we didn't check in with them in the last year. I swear that there's this entire daycare rulebook that we're just not aware of. I feel a bit annoyed with my career. This June will mark 8 years since my university graduation, and I don't like where I am career-wise. I feel like it's one step forward and two steps backward. I made a lateral move to my current job almost 2 years ago and took a paycut, but with a promise for lots of room to grow and great benefits. I had a great thing going before PK was born, but then I went on mat-leave. Momentum changed. I've changed. Where will I fit into the workforce as a working mom? This unknown is just stressing me out.
Also, I was sick a couple of weeks ago, which meant that we ended up missing our regular mom and baby activities out of respect for the other moms and babies. This meant that we missed music class and the mommy group meeting. I hadn't been to a mommy group meeting for about a month, and I guess it was taking its toll on me. While all of these activities are good for PK, they are also good for me because they give me a chance to connect with other momms and to socialize with other adults. While PK is oodles of fun, it does get tiring to just talk to a baby all day.
I guess the real zinger of this whole being a mom thing was the way that my relationship with the hubby has changed. When we got married, it was this crazy passionate love. I still love the hubby. He's still my best friend. He's still the only person in the world who gets me. And yet, things are so different now. We're like zombies trying to get through life and trying to raise a baby at the same time. Before PK was born, we did everything together. Now, we have to split off sometimes, in the interest of time. For example, I've stayed home with PK a couple of times while he went out grocery shopping.
On the social front, I've gone out a couple of times with my sis while the hubby looked after PK, but I've always felt guilty. After all, I was out and he was home with PK. I never used to go out at night without him. Sure, we've gone out a couple of times in the evening thanks to grandparent babysitting services, but it's different from before. Our conversations were centered around PK. How's she doing? Isn't she cute? Look at what she learned this week. When PK spent her first night away from home on Valentine's day, that was the first time where we actually got some genuine couple alone-time where PK was a minor part of our evening.
This week has been a little less of a bummer week, as I finally got back into my mom and baby activities. I may have also found a light at the end of the tunnel as far as the whole daycare thing is concerned (stay tuned on that). I have no idea what awaits me at work. It still scares the crap out of me.
I know that this is a difficult transition time - going from 2 to 3 is no small feat, especially when the extra body is totally dependent on you for everything. I also know that there are people out there who have it way worse than me, so I should be more grateful.