May 20, 2009

Seriously Bummed

I have been seriously bummed these days. So much so that I really haven't had any desire to update this blog. Music class finished almost a month ago, and the summer session doesn't start until July. The mommy group has all but disbanded, as nobody wants to host a bunch of crawling babies at their house, especially with turnouts of 13 moms and their babies. Storytime will come to a close this coming Friday, and won't start back on until next October, at which time I'll already be at work. I've tried making plans to meet up with moms from the mommy group and/or storytime, but they keep cancelling on me at the last minute. Besides, I'm getting sick and tired of always being the one to initiate plans. PK and I haven't interacted with another mom and baby in two weeks, and even that was ever-so-brief at storytime, where everyone seemed to be in a rush to leave after it was done.

Times like these get me really bummed out, because it makes me realize that the only reason why I even hung out with these other moms is because I was invited as part of a group, or because I did the inviting. It's not that they wanted to spend time with ME. On top of all that, I feel like a bit of a prisoner these days, because I don't usually make it out the door into the sunshine until at least 3 or 4pm due to PK's nap schedule. She usually has her long, 2-hour nap, after lunch, and I like to play with her for an hour before taking her outside since she ends up sitting in a stroller for an hour or two.

I feel frustrated too because it seems that every mom around me seems to have gotten the Parenting Memo, which obviously never made its way into my hands. All these moms seem to be so good with their babies. Such naturals. So connected. And me, I feel like I'm just fumbling around, trying to figure out how to pass the days until I start back at work. On Mother's Day, I felt like an impostor. I felt like I didn't even deserve to celebrate it, because I didn't see the difference between me and a nanny. What makes me so special to deserve the title Mom?

I feel a bit better these days, though I regret the fact that I had the world's crappiest Mother's Day (mostly my own doing). Seeing PK learn new things, seeing how interactive she is, how fascinated she is by everything, and how she reacts to familiar sights and sounds are helping me to get out of this funk. The nicer weather helps a bit, though I hate looking out the window at a beautiful, bright, warm, sunny day, knowing that it'll be 3 or 4 hours until I can make it out. All I know is that I'd better get out of this funk, because I start back at work on July 6th, so my days of being home with PK full-time are numbered.


Mrs. Shiny and New said...

Enjoy your time with PK while you can. I am now back at work and my daughter is in daycare 3 days a week (which she is enjoying) but I miss her a lot. We joined a baby and mommy group quite late and the babies were much older than my daughter so we didn't get very many playdates because all the moms went back to work. Some days seemed like they would never end. But now I want to go back to those days.

Fawn said...

Hey Indy, sorry to hear life is so constrained these days. I remember those days well!

Now with two kids, I still get it somewhat, but I admit I'm not as strict with Halia's nap schedule because there are things that we have to do with Jade that require going out. So I live with the consequences, but it's what works for us.

Once these times are over with, it doesn't feel like it took so long. I often say the weeks fly by, but the afternoons can sure drag.

And, trust me, there are days I don't feel connected or competent with the kids. One of the neighbours, who has grown kids, told me early on, as long as you love them, that's what matters. And it's really true, because it means you will always have PK's best interests at heart. If you're not perfect every day, well, then you're human like the rest of us. :)