August 10, 2011

Paralyzed

I am in a funk again. I don't know what it is about this time of year that brings it out in me, but it does, and I totally hate it. I am paralyzed, unable to find the motivation to do much of anything. I have work to do, but I don't feel like doing it. My mind wanders, thinking about anything but work. I am shifty in my seat. I can't seem to get comfortable. I click from my work to Facebook. Then back to my work. Then back to Google Reader. Then back to my work. Then back to Google News. What's wrong with me? Where did my motivation go?

I'm mad at myself because I know that this is self-destructive behavior, yet I can't seem to snap out of it. I am in a terrible funk. Today, the hubby took PK to the doctor in the morning for her 3-year checkup, which meant that I had the freedom to be able to run from home to work - a total of 4 km, with probably 5 kg in my backpack. The run was invigorating. I remember walking into the office, panting and sweating, and feeling great. I also remember thinking how exercise creates endorphins and endorphins are supposed to make you happy. I exercise regularly. Almost religiously. I should be swimming in endorphins. Yet I get bummed out so very easily by the most mundane things. I go through these spurts where I feel good and everything seems to be going okay. Work, marriage, child-rearing, parental relationship is stable. Then one of those falls apart, and everything around me seems to crumble. It can be the smallest thing. Like finding out that one of my good friends from university (who works at a different company) made manager. Stuff like that pisses me off and makes me feel bad about myself.

Which makes me a total hypocrite because I keep writing about how it's totally childish to feel that way. And yet I do. I feel like an idiot. An idiot child.

Work is clearly not fulfilling me, but I can't even dream of quitting. Part of what got me depressed during mat-leave was that I wasn't working. If I didn't work, then what would I do? Yet I can think of plenty of things to do. I would work-out, build my photography business, read all the stuff I don't have time to read. Do lots of baking. Take a few classes in whatever tickles my fancy. Maybe finally make time to practice violin and piano properly. Learn how to play the guitar properly. Clearly there are a ton of things that I could do with my time. But the thought of being unemployed, of having the hubby support me. Well...it makes me sick to my stomach. So I am stuck here, in this limbo of total apathy, unable to work. Stuck in this funk.

I feel ashamed of being stuck in this funk, because there is so much right in my life. But I keep focusing on the bad. Why do I keep doing that? And then when I start to do that, I find myself getting into this pattern of withdrawal. Aimlessly checking my phone. Grunting one-word answers to the hubby. Being distant. Sucking at being a parent, thereby making PK want daddy over mommy again. Which makes me feel worse and more withdrawn. It is spiraling out of control. I need to find control, because I'm scared of withdrawing into this dark abyss from which I may not emerge.

1 comment:

Peter Lo said...

For what its worth, I get into these funks from time to time as well. Even as recently as last week. Just a general feeling that nothing seems important. Like there's a void but not really sure what that void is.

I think it may be because everything else is so stable, and we're so use to having concrete goals to shoot for. The lack of something urgently critical to tend to is in itself unnerving. Or maybe just the lack of excitement since there's nothing too big to worry about like graduating from school or getting a good job or whatever. Basically a lack of motivation in anything within our regular routines.

I end up procrastinating a lot when I'm in these modes. I find this is where having a hobby outside of my job and obligations is helpful. Or reading a book, or even watching a sports game (I know what a fan you are of that).